The Final Answer to Pascal’s Wager- from God.

Listen up, humans. Everything you read on this site is inspired by God. I am the one true god and I’ve breathed all over it, COVID be damned. (I’m a bit too lazy to interfere with the COVID thing, but I’m definitely down with the figurative damning of COVID.) First, if you do not read this to the end, you will go to my newly-created hell. So, stick around. As recently as this week, asinine callers to national atheist podcasts stated that they believed in god because of Pascal’s wager. Don’t get me wrong, Pascal was pretty good at the math stuff, but he inadvertently created hell. The wager is simple- the author of some ancient book inserted some statement that said ‘this book is true’ (It’s in Timothy something or other, I’m not going to bother to look it up), and a whole lot of suckers said ‘Damn, this book says that it’s true, so it must be true’. Pascal said, ‘If all this stuff about lakes of fire is true, you should believe it, because, if you’re wrong, you’ll just be an idiot for a human lifetime, but if you’re right, you’ll enjoy an eternity of church service at the foot of god. (If you aren’t already considering the benefits of the fire lake, you are lost. If any of you jokers tried to praise me for eternity, I’d cast you sycophants into a lake of fire. How fucking boring is that?)

Yeah, I hate to break it to Pascal, but his lakes of fire hell was not the only contender. There are dozens of religions, all with their own crazy version of eternal punishment. But- here’s the catch, I’m the creator of the universe and I never created any hell (until last Tuesday). All those stories were pure bullshit. I am god. I created this universe. For perspective- you’re a sort of fish tank on my mantle. Yeah, I made you and occasionally look in on you all, but I’m really an absentee parent. Evil arose in this world I created. OK. I hope none of you were gullible enough to look around your world and assume that an all-good, all-loving creator invented the whole thing. Nope. I never claimed any of that. I would never purposely drown one of you, but a few of you have died while I was checking my Instagram and you went too deep in the pool. Obviously, I’m not a good god. But, I am the only god who created your universe, so you’re stuck with me.

(But, a quick aside- I’m not the asshole god of your holy books- I never flooded the earth killing all the babies except for the 8 folks on the arc. I never would have killed every first born baby in Egypt. I never would have inspired a Psalm about murdering babies. I never would have led a prophet to kill all the male Jews in Arabian tribes and sell the women and kids into slavery. I never would have inspired the bible verses that supported the trans-Atlantic slave trade. That was all on you humans. And you elected Trump, fought for Hitler, refused to stand up against the unnecessarily bad parts of Stalin’s rule. You suck. But don’t lay that on my doorstep- good luck finding it, anyway.)

Anyway, I set the whole universe thing in motion a while ago. It’s like planting seeds in a garden and not realizing they’ve actually sprouted til months later. Yeah, I created this thing, then went about my business. Evolution eventually produced you humans, who were actually able to start speculating about me. I never saw that coming, to be honest, but then again, how many of you have worried about religious wars in your fish tanks?

Whatever. So, you evolved to the point that you can think, and sometimes even choose to reason. (Pelosi claps) Good for you. But, you then started using that reason to make all kinds of claims about stuff that you knew nothing about. Have you seen a slug? You’re just as evolved as that disgusting thing. TBH, I might not have created the world if I had thought the whole thing through to the slugs. They’re sooo gross.

Anyway, you all came up with hundreds of dead wrong theories about your creator over the years. Even though they were racist, sexist assholes, the deist founders of the US had the right idea- there was some creator, who set stuff in motion and had nothing to do with it ever since. That’s not to say I don’t occasionally intervene. Several children have caught really big fish, while fishing on their birthdays. Once in a while, I scoot a car out of the path of a mudslide or raging river. But not often. Your fish tank is, like, a few steps away from my couch and I’m too busy watching Russian epic fail videos on YouTube to get up and look in on the rest of you. TBH, how often do you actually look at your fish tank, much less intervene?? Yeah, you know what I mean.

But, you jokers, completely ignoring Hume, who got this right hundreds of years ago, insist on hounding the ACA with calls about Pascal’s wager. First, while I admit he made some strides in math, Pascal really sucked at justifying his Catholic belief. Let’s just call this the ‘chickenshit bet’, instead, because that’s what it is. PW is a license for people too afraid to commit to anything based on the facts to start weighing the odds. I’ve always been perplexed by the fact that you humans invented hell. Why? Why the fuck imagine a scenario of eternal suffering? Literally, that is the sickest, most disgusting idea humanity has ever dreamed up- worse even than Mark with that foot fetish in Lagos- you’re not well, son. But, if you really think that the possibility of an imaginary hell can guide your actions during your one actual life, I can roll with that.

Whatever you previously heard about Christian, Muslim or some other hell, forget about it. My hell is infinitely worse. I know every concept of hell ever created and I’ve combined them all and doubled them in this hell. Why should you believe this? Well, I’ve actually gotten my words onto the internet and Timothy (inspired by God) only got his words onto 2,000 year-old papyri. My hell is the worst ever created. Think of every time you have had to listen to someone moan on about a topic you don’t care about- we’ve got it, every second of every day. Your worst feeling of embarrassment, pain, shame, guilt- you’ll have it all, every second for eternity. Again, I just created what you humans dreamed up, so don’t blame me. My hell is hotter, more humid, less stable underfoot, more threatening, stinkier, more chaotic and more boring than any hell you humans ever thought of, and also lacks a single breath of fresh air. If your religions go to 10, mine goes to 11, and forces you to watch that scene in Spinal Tap for eternity. Eventually, it won’t be as funny.

So, let’s get back to that wager. You can either ignore what I’m writing and cling to your false religions (Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism and, literally, every single other religion) or you can take the bet and believe in me. If you say that you believe in me, you will need to show it by some actions. First, never, ever, say that you believe in a god. Second, live decently and fight for Rawlsian justice with the veil of ignorance. (If you don’t know what that means and you aren’t already Googling it- then you are sliding toward my hell already- GOOGLE, madly.). If you aren’t nice and, at least fighting for some kind of northern European socialism, you didn’t really commit to the bet against my hell and you can go to my hell. (There’s so much room right now.) If you decide to be decent and live well to avoid my hell, then know that I don’t want to send anyone there, but if you didn’t really work to improve the earth, I’ll happily chuck you into that fish tank. Hell is in my backyard behind the compost heap, so I can easily ignore your suffering.

So, hopefully Pascal’s Wager has been solved. There is now an absolutely worse hell (mine). If anyone needs to wager against going to hell, they need to wager against my hell and believe in me as the god of everything (and I jave nothing to do with Jesus.) If they stop talking about gods, fight for justice for the most vulnerable and fight for societies where the weakest are as protected as they are in northern European socialist countries, then they will be eligible for my heaven- which will be epic (while excluding epic fails, except in videos). Choose wisely, jokers, because, as of last Tuesday, hell is now real and, if you have read this far, you are a candidate for it. Live well.